Mind Field: A Rap by Austen Berj Brooks

September 26, 2018September 26, 2018suzannesahakian Leave a comment

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Austen’s rap, “Mind Field” was included in an abridged version in InsideOut Literary Arts Project’s 2014-2015 Citywide Poets Anthology entitled “Mind Fields.” In honor of his 27th birthday, I have reprinted it here in full in a version of how I hear him rapping it.

life is a journey, yo, not a destination
I’m anxious while I’m waiting
to escape annihilation

the basis of my trouble is distant and evasive
it bubbles up and suffocates
the bliss of my creation

my history sticks with me and keeps me in the basement
defiantly I color it with my imagination
a useful gift I use the spit for radical creatin’
with unique perspective
untarnished by some ancient written words
too absurd for sober contemplation
be patient and think about it
before you try to take it apart
so smart

my words of warning are a lesson
all the answers lie within
reflective introspection
obsession breeds perfection
and I want it so I’m pressin’
the pedal down to make a sound
that shows a new direction

I’ve been around and what I’ve found is happy and depressin’
up and down and round and round
no seconds spent on restin’
the present is a gift but the future’s still in question
my heart’s about to quit and my journey’ s with my essence

living is easy with eyes closed
but what they show on TV
might just corrode your soul
some music from the past remains
it never gets old
I wanna make something that lasts to me
that’s worth more than gold

my mind is a mine field I have to patrol
scavenge eternal secrets between the blasts to unfold
my future and past together like they’ve been wove
like my hands are tied and tethered
with one pressed on the stove

I don’t have time to stand in line when I’m tryin’ to reach my goals
hindsight’s 20/20
it took 20 years to see they stole
innocence and happiness in quantities I do not know

accept my humble challenge
keep your balance
truth is what I show
but only if you seek
cause some of us were born to see
while others never get a peek

the one who gets caught in between is lost forever in his dreams
I’m just saying what I’ve seen – drugs are fun but shame of fiends
throw a kid into a cell – does that help him to get clean?

I’ve got friends whose lives are damaged
they were young, they couldn’t manage
they grew up and found themselves
distant shells of former selves

self-deceived rights the lies we tell
sentenced to hell but we prevail
pour out drinks to those that fell
sit and talk of pasts we held
cause hope and energy still run through us
paint our lies and help us to trust
that tomorrow’s a brand new day –
that this work is worth the pay

free my mind I rap all day
beating time and gravitay
looking deep into your eyes
still I’ll never truly find
what’s projected in your mind

we connect with honest lies
I’m in love with cloudy skies
how do I fall for what I despise?

Austen Berj Brooks, November 2012

Neighborhood Club soccer, Grosse Pointe, Michigan, 1996, age 4

Austen was born almost 26 years ago on September 26, 1991. I was born in October and always considered Fall to be my favorite season, but since he died in November of 2014, I think I prefer Spring now. I can appreciate the yellows, oranges and reds and the Indian summer days that tease us to forget about jackets and sweaters, but there are too many memories to contend with – his birth, his death and all that occurred in between those 23 years, floating up to the surface of my consciousness. Yes, I am grateful for the memories, even the not-so-good ones, but I still struggle with how Austen struggled during his last 5-6 years, how he put up a valiant fight trying to keep persevering with his life in order to beat the demon that haunted him. In his ‘Journey Through Sobriety’ at 7 months sober he wrote:

I feel a little better, I talked about my cravings with my friends and got to hang out with them and kick it. I still am feeling overwhelmed and very anxious. I don’t know… I can’t risk my addiction. It creeps up on you. I can’t ignore it and not treat it for a week. It doesn’t ever take time off. It’s always watching and waiting with bated breath. Ready to jump on me when it gets the chance. Austen Berj Brooks, September 19, 2014

Austen playing for Vardar Soccer Club in Michigan, age 17

Lately, I think about the concepts of destiny and legacy – finding and fulfilling a purpose before we die (fulfilling our individual destiny) and what we leave behind. Austen did not believe that life is predetermined:

Things may happen for a reason but that is just the universe expressing itself with perfect creativity and spontaneity. That’s just how the universe meanders through the channels of life. One day I’ll be able to fully appreciate what I have here. Of course I’m not satisfied. There is so much more to be, do, think, and feel.” Journey Through Sobriety, May 23, 2014

From the day he was born, like all of us, Austen began forming his destiny – being, doing, thinking and feeling. His sensitive nature and natural inquisitiveness grew into an empathetic intelligence, and his physical energy and persistence grew into athletic prowess. At a young age, he seemed to have an understanding of the meandering universe and the twists and turns of life. Here is a poem he wrote in 2009 during his first semester at Indiana University (age 18) already (unbeknownst to us) addicted to drugs:

Don’t ever doubt
Don’t count me out
I will be there
One day I’ll care

I point to south
When I should go north
I look bad now
But hope is not gone

The day must be embraced
Despite problems I have faced
A new day could begin
When the old day comes to an end

And on this new day all will be well
All will be balanced, in heaven and hell
I will be smiling like a limitless child
Looking back at the life I compiled

Precious life giving earth
Why can’t we treat you what you are worth?
And beautiful impossible life
Why do I live you like nothing’s all right?

What an experience is all I can say
I lived it, I woke up every day
I smelled and heard and loved
One day I will remember what was

Life is a gift and I can’t forget it
But life will get to you if you dare let it
What a journey one day I will say
“I never thought it would turn out this way”

Austen Berj Brooks, October 18, 2009

Compiling a life, that’s what we do during our lifetimes, no matter how long or short. We take the good with the bad, the beauty with the impossible, and we meander through, creating our legacies, fulfilling our destinies, hoping, loving. In memory, forever, of Austen Berj Brooks.

“Looking Back At The Life I Compiled,” by Austen Berj Brooks

September 20, 2017September 20, 2017suzannesahakian Leave a comment

Time To Switch Lanes

April 25, 2017April 26, 2017suzannesahakian 6 Comments

I love this photo of Austen, his maturing face, his direct gaze, his calm and cool demeanor. He was sensitive, caring, loving, intelligent, thoughtful and reflective. He was also addicted to opiates – not by choice, not by will, not intentionally. In his second, focused attempt at sobriety, he attained a clarity and maturity I had not seen in him before – he was 22 years old, had graduated from Indiana University, and he wanted to get on with his life – he wanted a ‘normal’ life but knew he could never have the kind of normality he was seeking. It would have to be a new ‘normal’, one created to fit his circumstances and to allow him to thrive. ‘Happiness is right around the corner,’ he wrote in recovery. He never stopped appreciating the natural beauty and loveliness of the world. And that is where I feel closest to him – outdoors, whether standing on a balcony or taking a morning walk – he is there in the gentle wind, the fresh flowers, the majestic mountains, the vast blue sky, the stars on a clear night, the endless beach, the wandering trail – that is where I feel his warm, encouraging presence.

From his ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ 3 months sober:

Everything is ok. No it’s better than that. Still, driving around on a summer day seeing all the young people going out with their friends, buying beer, having normal lives, I felt a little left out of it. Like I’m missing out and like I will have to miss out for the rest of my life. Like I need some drugs to truly feel the beauty of summer time. This is just not true. I just have to open my mind up to my surroundings and these new emotions. I don’t need any drugs to be me. I don’t need to change my consciousness into something different, I just have to expand what I already have.

Lake Michigan at the beach in Evanston, IL, taken by Austen on May 26, 2012, with my Nikon D50.
Tomorrow I want to walk by the beach, breathe in the ocean, smell the warm air, think about existence, smile and know that I’m right where I am supposed to be. . . . Drugs are an immediate dead end for me. I’m not interested in giving away all that I have. It’s kind of funny that I even need to continue having this discussion. . . . My addiction brought me to my knees, then it swept me deep underground, then it went after my soul. There is no going back for people like me.

Taken by Austen on June 29, 2012, with my Nikon D50.
I’ll always find things that are not perfect about me. I don’t have to be perfect in any facet of my life. I know I’m good looking, good natured, smart, intuitive, mature, wise. I know I am a beautiful soul. I just need to go out and be me.

I can find love within my self and the world. I love the smell at night, I love that I struggled and came out stronger. I love the sun and the trees. Happiness is right around the corner.

At one of the Evanston parks, taken by Austen on May 26, 2012, with my Nikon D50.
A little more swag. Some new clothes. Some new goals. A new outlook. More positive, more sure of myself. Getting their everyday. . . . My vision is no longer clouded. My Achilles heel is finally healing. I’ve always been destined to be exceptional.

It’s time to switch lanes and start really speeding. Passing these people and leaving them in the past. Austen Berj Brooks, June 7, 2014

Along Lake Michigan at one of the beaches in Evanston, IL, taken by Austen with my Nikon D50.

The Beauty Is In The Struggle

February 21, 2017suzannesahakian Leave a comment

The excerpt below is from Austen’s ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ a journal he started in 2014 as he valiantly dealt with his addiction and depression. He understood that ‘suffering is a key tenant of life,’ that ‘life is something to endure.’ He saw the beauty and magic in the struggle. He tried to ground himself in the present, to keep focused on the things that matter. He believed in a greater universal construct and the temporary, impermanent nature of things. He saw the grandness of life and the limitless opportunities. In short, he saw the big picture. From May 29 and May 31, 2014:

I walk through the pitch black with only a candle, and it cannot burn forever.

‘Cloudy,’ photo taken by Austen in downtown Chicago, posted on his Instagram account on September 16, 2014.

I’m starting to glow. … My wealth of experience is a guiding light, and my distant knowledge and wisdom is a limitless well. Go forth into the darkness Austen. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Beauty and spirituality. That’s all I care about. Enjoy yourself. Literally enjoy being you. You are one in a few billion. The only one of your kind. Life is good. Or it could be. It’s close to being the start of a magical ride toward everything I want. Life is something to endure though. Acceptance of this fact is essential. It doesn’t mean one can’t live and love beautifully, it just means suffering is a key tenant of life. The beauty is in the struggle.

The depression is not me. I exist outside of these bodily defects. My soul is untouchable, though the drugs tried to take a bit out of it like a great white shark. My soul is strong, it is weaving itself back together, just as my brain heals. It was exposed but the light never went out. I never lost track of me, Austen. As long as I have my intelligence, love and a beautiful spirit, I can make this work. Every day is another opportunity. Every second is another time that I can find a way to start existing in the moment. What happened yesterday is meaningless, we have this moment and the next one and that is it.

‘Reflecting,’ photo taken by Austen from our Evanston condo (with a view of Lake Michigan) and posted to his Instagram account on June 17, 2014.

There will be problems until the end. I have to persevere. Again, this is part of life. An integral part of the journey. One day I will move on into the infinite soul of the universal construct. But today is for shouldering the burden and smiling in the face of agony. … I accept this and continue to live. … It’s all temporary. That’s what makes life beautiful. Who cares? You get fucked up on the journey, but it’s not forever. I will one day die and return to where I originated. Why not enjoy what I have? Why not jump into the deep end? I can swim after all, and if I can’t then I’ll drown until I grab a life raft. Fill me with love and bless me with health.

Austen Berj Brooks, May 29 & 31, 2014

Fill Me With Love

I took this photo of the clouds in and around the Catalina Mountains in Tucson in early January 2017. I’m calling it ‘Fill Me With Love.’ When Austen came to Tucson, he would always look up at the mountains and say he wanted to climb to the top. This photo, like all my photos, is dedicated to my son Austen with love. ©2017 Suzanne Sahakian