Reaching For The Stars – The Tuesday Before Thanksgiving

An Ofrenda For Austen, photo collage by Suzanne Sahakian, November 2021.

Austen died on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving – November 25, 2014. So, no matter what date his death falls on (this year it’s Thanksgiving day), it’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving that is the most significant.

In my November 5, 2015 post, An ‘Ofrenda’ In Honor Of Austen Berj Brooks, I explained that Dia de los Muertos, the ‘Day of the Dead’ is a Mexican holiday that is celebrated on November 1 and 2, coinciding with All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day.  Here in Tucson, the tradition is richly recognized and culminates in an ‘All Souls Procession’ downtown.  Family and friends gather to pray for and remember those who have died and to help support their spiritual journey. Private alters are built honoring the deceased with sugar skulls, marigolds, favorite foods and mementos.  It’s a celebration of life, a joyful occasion of remembrance, in which death is recognized as a part of the natural process of living.

After seeing a Dia de los Muertos exhibit in Tucson, I was inspired to create that November 2015 post, which helped me to look outside myself and focus on Austen’s spiritual journey, his favorite foods and mementos, as the 1st year anniversary of his death approached. This year, the 7th anniversary of Austen’s death, the gallery in the warehouse where I have a studio put on a Dia de los Muertos Exhibit – A Celebration of Souls. For the exhibit, I decided to try my hand at creating a photo collage Ofrenda for Austen, focusing not just on his spirituality but his physical presence, his concrete love of sports, playing video games, his deep intelligence, his shoes, his cologne, his favorite foods, the importance to him of his family, and the love and respect we all shared for one another.

The collage was meant to highlight Austen’s life and to honor and celebrate his soul and to say ‘this is a person you might have wanted to know.’ As a piece in an art show, it clearly stood out against the painted catrinas and sugar skulls, but I did see more than a few young men stop and actually look at the collage, as if they were studying it, looking at the details and the words. And, for me, there was a quiet joy.

I know people don’t know what to say when they learn about Austen, but it’s okay to ask about him, to wonder who he was. For those who knew him, Austen remains a luminous soul in the lives of many. He reached for the stars, he enriched our lives, and we continue to celebrate his life and ours with positivity, growth and love.

Let The Self Drift Away – In Memory of Austen Berj Brooks

Austen left us 6 years ago on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. In celebration of his life of 23 years, I give you an excerpt from his ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ where his writings are filled with his spirituality and the search for inner peace and freedom – “I just want to drift away and let my mind flow like a surging river” (Journey Through Sobriety, May 15, 2014), the passage below ending with “Stay calm, let the waves take you out to sea.” We all struggle in life from time to time. Maybe Austen’s words can lend some calm and peace in the journey:

Austen, Indiana University, 2011

Time to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to exist on this wonderful planet. Who could have made up such a blessing. With all of its faults and imperfections, the world is still a tremendously interesting place. Reality is truly more fantastic than any work of fiction.

Take [ego] out of the equation. Exist without it. Free myself from the insanity that has dictated my dominant characteristics. Selfish and arrogant and egotistical. But, of course, I am not here to assault my self, just dissolve it. Always seek inner peace and walk with grace. Tranquility, love, openness. Be there for other people. Let the self drift away. I just want to be a good person. I know I am underneath the top layer, but it has been hijacking the entire show of late. I am tired of living like that.

Humility is not thinking less of oneself, but thinking of one’s self less. I trust the inner part of me. The part that has not been twisted by the various difficulties that I had to fight off. I understand why I reacted the way I did, but the defenses need to come down. There are a lot of truths that I need to face about me and my life. I have to walk forward, into fear and uncertainty, trusting that my ancient and eternal wisdom will guide me forward. The universe is alive within me, it can come out if I relinquish control.

Photo of Austen taken by his friend Reid Fragel in 2009.

Stay calm, let the waves take you out to sea.

November 18, 2014

‘Always Seek Inner Peace,’ photo by Suzanne Sahakian, Half Moon Bay, California, 2019.

Letting Life Happen

As I approach the 5th anniversary of Austen’s death, November 25, 2014, I find myself in the position of having just lost my father one month ago at the age of 93.  And I think because of this, the memory of Austen’s death and the days leading up to it have been harder and sadder for me this year.  Austen at 23, my dad at 93 – two people whom I loved, cherished and admired, who thought life was amazing and who endeavored to meet life’s challenges with as much positivity and optimism as they each could muster.

Reading through some of Austen’s ‘Journey Through Sobriety’ has soothed my soul a bit and reminded me of Austen’s efforts and insights at trying to make a life for himself under the circumstances he found himself in. On this day, the day after, and most every day, I pay tribute to him.

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Austen Berj Brooks with his grandfather, Torcome Gaizak Sahakian, Christmas 2011. Austen was 20 years old, my father was 85.

Letting Life Happen
by Austen Berj Brooks

Words don’t do it justice.  Life is amazing.  Opportunity is knocking.  I am ready to be me. What other people think and their judgments are their own business.  I am only in the business of cultivating greatness inside of me.  A pleasant place to be and self-assuredness.  It doesn’t matter what happened in the past.  Sure I’ve overcome a lot, but there’s not time to dwell in pity and resentment.  Go forward with everything you have at your disposal.  Think about you and being who you want to be. Never change to meet someone else’s expectations.  What is life? No one knows. There’s no right or wrong way to live. It’s all made up.  I’m going to do it my way.

If I live the right way, do the right things, walk the right path, things will be uncovered to me.  It might mean suffering in the short term to reap the rewards in the near and distant future.  I just want to let go of all the bullshit.  The narrative of my life is a fictional recollection of the events that actually occurred.  Nothing holds these events together in reality. They are interconnected, but not in the way that I pretend they are.  It’s made up.  I am whatever I want to be. My only limits are those I place upon myself. I have to nurture the talents that I possess. I have to use these abilities for good. . . Happiness will grow.

There is no magic bullet.  It’s just existing in a pure and honest way and letting life happen.    August, 2014

And life happens every day, in its own way . . .

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A Tucson sunrise, ‘Pure and Honest,’ captured on February 5, 2016, Tucson, AZ. © 2019 Suzanne Sahakian.

 

 

You Have To Dream Big

4 Years – the Tuesday before Thanksgiving (November 25), 2014

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Austen in Paris along the Seine, March 2011

You have to dream big.
You can never give up on trying to be a legend.
Not just a good person or a great person, but a truly special, unique, amazing individual.
If you don’t reach for the stars, you won’t be able to land on one of the planets.
Austen Berj Brooks, 2014

We love you Austen and we miss you terribly,
but we will, like you
strive to dream big and reach for the stars

with tears and smiles
and everlasting memories
of the truly special, unique, amazing you.

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Space Between The Molecules

September is Austen’s birthday month.  He would have turned 27 on September 26.  In honor of his birthday, I have selected a few excerpts from his writings and looked through photo albums to pick out a few essence-of-Austen shots. From a sweet little boy to a handsome, complex young man, we celebrate his birth, his life, his curiosity, his spirit, the depth of his understanding, his resolve, his destiny, his words.  From his Journey Through Sobriety:

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Austen’s first communion  in 1999 at Christ Church in Grosse Pointe, Michigan, age 8.

I remember happiness. I think I am close to attaining it again. Being me, pure, real, not anxious about something that may or may not happen. Even if something happens, I am resourceful enough to handle it. Everything will be okay, Austen. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust the universe to guide you. There’s a deeper level to this. I want to tap into it. Love and understanding. True feeling. Embracing life. Feelings, thoughts, emotions.  June 5, 2014

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Last day at Maire Elementary in Grosse Pointe in 2002, age 10.

What do I want to be? Cool, wise, intelligent, creative, open, empathetic, spiritual, confident. Positive, sober, understanding and fresh as fuck. Hip hop aficionado, politically in tune, clever, funny, happy.  June 13, 2014  

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Austen in his basement ‘mancave’ with his stacked Dr. Pepper cans, phone in hand and football game on TV, Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan, 2004, age 13.

It’s so crazy how you walk through life bored and unimpressed, and then all of a sudden one day you see things for what they are and you can’t believe how beautiful everything is. You appreciate the sun and the clouds, the trees and the air they allow us to breathe. You realize that everything is actually connected in a real sense. I’d like to think you can never go back after coming to this conclusion, but that’s not true. That’s why you have to be in tune with who you are and the reality of existence. The universe has billions of galaxies. Here I am in just one of them, in just one solar system, on just one planet, revolving around just one star.   July 1, 2014 

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Austen’s first Homecoming Dance at Grosse Pointe South High School, 2007, age 15.

The distance between who I am and who I want to be
lights the fire inside of me
I’m tired but inspired, lie awake wired
by who I aughta be
used to spend time worried
about what people might of thought of me

Brown eyes and soft replies
Loves the only real high
It’s pure it pulls me toward the sky
We’re fighting now no reason why
I miss you back when you were shy
October 24, 2014

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Austen on graduation day at Indiana University, BA in Psychology, 2013, age 22. 

We rejoice in the moments we had with you Austen, all of them, from start to finish and the moments we continue to have with you through your strong, positive presence in our daily lives.

you are the space between the molecules
a love that has no end
a life without boundaries

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‘No Boundaries,’ Glencoe in the Highlands of Scotland taken by Suzanne Sahakian, Austen’s mother, while hiking the Pap of Glencoe in July 2018. © 2018 Suzanne Sahakian

 

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Neighborhood Club soccer, Grosse Pointe, Michigan, 1996, age 4

Austen was born almost 26 years ago on September 26, 1991.  I was born in October and always considered Fall to be my favorite season, but since he died in November of 2014, I think I prefer Spring now. I can appreciate the yellows, oranges and reds and the Indian summer days that tease us to forget about jackets and sweaters, but there are too many memories to contend with – his birth, his death and all that occurred in between those 23 years, floating up to the surface of my consciousness. Yes, I am grateful for the memories, even the not-so-good ones, but I still struggle with how Austen struggled during his last 5-6 years, how he put up a valiant fight trying to keep persevering with his life in order to beat the demon that haunted him.  In his ‘Journey Through Sobriety’ at 7 months sober he wrote:

I feel a little better, I talked about my cravings with my friends and got to hang out with them and kick it.  I still am feeling overwhelmed and very anxious.  I don’t know… I can’t risk my addiction.  It creeps up on you.  I can’t ignore it and not treat it for a week.  It doesn’t ever take time off. It’s always watching and waiting with bated breath. Ready to jump on me when it gets the chance.  Austen Berj Brooks, September 19, 2014

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Austen playing for Vardar Soccer Club in Michigan, age 17

Lately, I think about the concepts of destiny and legacy – finding and fulfilling a purpose before we die (fulfilling our individual destiny) and what we leave behind. Austen did not believe that life is predetermined:

Things may happen for a reason but that is just the universe expressing itself with perfect creativity and spontaneity.  That’s just how the universe meanders through the channels of life. One day I’ll be able to fully appreciate what I have here.  Of course I’m not satisfied.  There is so much more to be, do, think, and feel.” Journey Through Sobriety, May 23, 2014

From the day he was born, like all of us, Austen began forming his destiny – being, doing, thinking and feeling.  His sensitive nature and natural inquisitiveness grew into an empathetic intelligence, and his physical energy and persistence grew into athletic prowess.  At a young age, he seemed to have an understanding of the meandering universe and the twists and turns of life.  Here is a poem he wrote in 2009 during his first semester at Indiana University (age 18) already (unbeknownst to us) addicted to drugs:

Don’t ever doubt
Don’t count me out
I will be there
One day I’ll care

I point to south
When I should go north
I look bad now
But hope is not gone

The day must be embraced
Despite problems I have faced
A new day could begin
When the old day comes to an end

And on this new day all will be well
All will be balanced, in heaven and hell
I will be smiling like a limitless child
Looking back at the life I compiled

Precious life giving earth
Why can’t we treat you what you are worth?
And beautiful impossible life
Why do I live you like nothing’s all right?

What an experience is all I can say
I lived it, I woke up every day
I smelled and heard and loved
One day I will remember what was

Life is a gift and I can’t forget it
But life will get to you if you dare let it
What a journey one day I will say
“I never thought it would turn out this way”

Austen Berj Brooks, October 18, 2009

Compiling a life, that’s what we do during our lifetimes, no matter how long or short.  We take the good with the bad, the beauty with the impossible, and we meander through, creating our legacies, fulfilling our destinies, hoping, loving. In memory, forever, of Austen Berj Brooks.

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‘Looking Back At The Life I Compiled,’ Chicago Botanic Garden, September 18, 2017, ©2017 Suzanne Sahakian|SuzanneSahakianPhotography

 

 

 

“Looking Back At The Life I Compiled,” by Austen Berj Brooks

Time To Switch Lanes

Austencloseup I love this photo of Austen, his maturing face, his direct gaze, his calm and cool demeanor.  He was sensitive, caring, loving, intelligent, thoughtful and reflective.  He was also addicted to opiates – not by choice, not by will, not intentionally.  In his second, focused attempt at sobriety, he attained a clarity and maturity I had not seen in him before – he was 22 years old, had graduated from Indiana University, and he wanted to get on with his life – he wanted a ‘normal’ life but knew he could never have the kind of normality he was seeking.  It would have to be a new ‘normal’, one created to fit his circumstances and to allow him to thrive.  ‘Happiness is right around the corner,’ he wrote in recovery.  He never stopped appreciating the natural beauty and loveliness of the world.  And that is where I feel closest to him – outdoors, whether standing on a balcony or taking a morning walk – he is there in the gentle wind, the fresh flowers, the majestic mountains, the vast blue sky, the stars on a clear night, the endless beach, the wandering trail – that is where I feel his warm, encouraging presence.

From his ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ 3 months sober:

Everything is ok.  No it’s better than that.  Still, driving around on a summer day seeing all the young people going out with their friends, buying beer, having normal lives, I felt a little left out of it.  Like I’m missing out and like I will have to miss out for the rest of my life.  Like I need some drugs to truly feel the beauty of summer time.  This is just not true.  I just have to open my mind up to my surroundings and these new emotions.  I don’t need any drugs to be me.  I don’t need to change my consciousness into something different, I just have to expand what I already have.

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Lake Michigan at the beach in Evanston, IL, taken by Austen on May 26, 2012, with my Nikon D50.

 Tomorrow I want to walk by the beach, breathe in the ocean, smell the warm air, think about existence, smile and know that I’m right where I am supposed to be.  . . . Drugs are an immediate dead end for me.  I’m not interested in giving away all that I have.  It’s kind of funny that I even need to continue having this discussion.  . . . My addiction brought me to my knees, then it swept me deep underground, then it went after my soul.  There is no going back for people like me.

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Taken by Austen on June 29, 2012, with my Nikon D50.

I’ll always find things that are not perfect about me.  I don’t have to be perfect in any facet of my life.  I know I’m good looking, good natured, smart, intuitive, mature, wise.  I know I am a beautiful soul.  I just need to go out and be me.

I can find love within my self and the world.  I love the smell at night, I love that I struggled and came out stronger.  I love the sun and the trees.  Happiness is right around the corner.

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At one of the Evanston parks, taken by Austen on May 26, 2012, with my Nikon D50.

A little more swag.  Some new clothes.  Some new goals.  A new outlook.  More positive, more sure of myself.  Getting their everyday.  . . . My vision is no longer clouded.  My Achilles heel is finally healing.  I’ve always been destined to be exceptional.

It’s time to switch lanes and start really speeding.  Passing these people and leaving them in the past.     Austen Berj Brooks, June 7, 2014

 

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Along Lake Michigan at one of the beaches in Evanston, IL, taken by Austen with my Nikon D50.

 

 

 

The Beauty Is In The Struggle

The excerpt below is from Austen’s ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ a journal he started in 2014 as he valiantly dealt with his addiction and depression. He understood that ‘suffering is a key tenant of life,’ that  ‘life is something to endure.’ He saw the beauty and magic in the struggle.  He tried to ground himself in the present, to keep focused on the things that matter.  He believed in a greater universal construct and the temporary, impermanent nature of things. He saw the grandness of life and the limitless opportunities.  In short, he saw the big picture.  From May 29 and May 31, 2014:

I walk through the pitch black with only a candle, and it cannot burn forever.

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‘Cloudy,’ photo taken by Austen in downtown Chicago, posted on his Instagram account on September 16, 2014. 

I’m starting to glow. … My wealth of experience is a guiding light, and my distant knowledge and wisdom is a limitless well. Go forth into the darkness Austen.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Beauty and spirituality.  That’s all I care about.  Enjoy yourself.  Literally enjoy being you.  You are one in a few billion.  The only one of your kind.  Life is good.  Or it could be.  It’s close to being the start of a magical ride toward everything I want.  Life is something to endure though.  Acceptance of this fact is essential.  It doesn’t mean one can’t live and love beautifully, it just means suffering is a key tenant of life.  The beauty is in the struggle.

The depression is not me.  I exist outside of these bodily defects.  My soul is untouchable, though the drugs tried to take a bit out of it like a great white shark.  My soul is strong, it is weaving itself back together, just as my brain heals.  It was exposed but the light never went out.  I never lost track of me, Austen.  As long as I have my intelligence, love and a beautiful spirit, I can make this work.  Every day is another opportunity.  Every second is another time that I can find a way to start existing in the moment.  What happened yesterday is meaningless, we have this moment and the next one and that is it.

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‘Reflecting,’ photo taken by Austen from our Evanston condo (with a view of Lake Michigan) and posted to his Instagram account on June 17, 2014.

There will be problems until the end.  I have to persevere.  Again, this is part of life.  An integral part of the journey.  One day I will move on into the infinite soul of the universal construct.  But today is for shouldering the burden and smiling in the face of agony. … I accept this and continue to live. …  It’s all temporary.  That’s what makes life beautiful.  Who cares?  You get fucked up on the journey, but it’s not forever.  I will one day die and return to where I originated.  Why not enjoy what I have?  Why not jump into the deep end?  I can swim after all, and if I can’t then I’ll drown until I grab a life raft.  Fill me with love and bless me with health.

Austen Berj Brooks, May 29 & 31, 2014

Fill Me With Love

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I took this photo of the clouds in and around the Catalina Mountains in Tucson in early January 2017. I’m calling it ‘Fill Me With Love.’  When Austen came to Tucson, he would always look up at the mountains and say he wanted to climb to the top. This photo, like all my photos, is dedicated to my son Austen with love.  ©2017 Suzanne Sahakian

 

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‘I walk through the pitch black with only a candle, and it cannot burn forever.’ Austen Berj, May 29, 2014.

 

 

 

 

‘Going Along With The Rhythm Of Life’ – Happy 25th Birthday Austen

Austen was born on September 26, 1991.  He would have turned 25 today. November will mark the 2nd-year anniversary of his death from an opiate overdose.  I went back to his ‘Journey Through Sobriety’ to read the entries he wrote on and shortly before his 23rd birthday two years ago. At that point, he had been sober for over 6 months. Even though his life was short, he has left his own indelible mark upon the world. He is sorely missed, especially for what he would be saying now about the politics, sports and social unrest in the world.  Today, I celebrate his birth and his life.  I am grateful for his existence, only wish he could have stayed longer.  From ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ September 24 and 26, 2014:

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Graduation from Indiana University in 2013.

Being a human being is not a boring or stale existence.  It’s deeply historic, intoxicatingly spiritual.  There is so much to my existence.  I can embrace it and turn my back to the past.  Not just the drugs but all the shallow thinking that accompany that life.  I’m too real to be walking around lost in my head feeling that something is wrong with me, that I can’t truly exist.

The faith that things will get better.  I tend to say, no that’s not how the world works, it’s random, bad things happen to good people and so on and so forth.  But this shit is not so basic, and nobody here really understands what’s going on.  I mean there are clearly millions of layers of existence occurring all at once, which we don’t have the ability to perceive or comprehend.  I want to think clearly.  I want to overcome the hole that I’ve been in.  Giving in to my addiction would be catastrophic, it’s not a small mistake.  It’s a big mistake with huge repercussions. . . .

I’m the illest, I’m the coolest, I’m the realest.  Being a good positive person is what I am about.  I have been chosen as a part of the universe.  I’ve been given a seat in the amphitheater of existence.  I still don’t know what God is.  I still don’t feel alone though.  I still have so many questions.  The spirit of the universe seems to be an explanation of what is here with me.  We are all alive within one singular thing.  This thing has a rhythm, a heartbeat, a soul, a depth, it is actual truth.

I’m not here to waste away.  I’m here to seek, to learn, to exist with positivity and greatness.  I’m not here to be an insignificant speck.  I’m here to love myself and spread love to those around me. I’m done arguing, it’s over, there’s no more self-sabotage.  I’m never going back.  I’m never giving up.

Everyday from now until I die will be spent seeking spirituality.  Not needing things in the world.  Going along with the rhythm of life.  Flowing down the river and smoothly evading the rocks and impediments.  Treat your body like the holy temple that it is. You only get one.  This is my one shot to do this.  I’m done fucking around.

I don’t want to be the jester or the clown, but I don’t want to be the somber knight either. … I can’t control my moment to moment feelings and behaviors.  Days are too long and the dynamics are too complicated.  I can control certain factors though.  I can control my diet and my exercise habits.  I can control my breathing and my coffee and nicotine intake.  Austen…23 years old. . . .

What’s important is being real.  Not desperate, not helping people to get some positive attention, but being a real fucking person.  Creating actual thoughts, ideas, music. . . .  Everyday I am linked to the mystical and spiritual components of the universe whether I acknowledge them or not. I need to stop comparing every thought and moment to what I imagine I was like in the past.  This is who I am at this time in my life and it’s far from a shell of a former self.  I’m not the worst or the best.  I don’t have to save the world today.  I just have to exist within the moment and believe in myself.  What happened to genuine confidence. Confidence that is earned not inherited by an arrogant mind.  I know what I’ve been through and I know what I’ve accomplished.

The walls are an illusion.  The narrative is made up.  None of it is based in fact. Don’t live your life according to some aging rulebook . . . implemented by default when I was 15 years old.  It’s time to grow up.  Be positive toward yourself, no matter what – life is worth living.  We are not here to win awards and make money after all.
Austen Berj Brooks, September 24 & 26, 2014

Happy Birthday Austen Berj
Staying positive and strong and loving you always and forever in the rhythm of life.

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From ‘Spirit of the Butterfly – Delight,’ Suzanne Sahakian 2016.

 

 

 

 

 

‘Relationships Are What You Remember’

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From ‘Spirit of the Butterfly – Peace,’ Suzanne Sahakian 2016

Relationships are what you remember.
Love is what breaks through the barriers.
Peace is knowing who you are and
understanding you are exactly
where you need to be.
Austen Berj Brooks, July 26, 2014

What is a life? A life is precious and complex,  a composite of many things.  Physically it has a start and a finish, but on another level, it has no boundaries – first, because you never stop caring or thinking about the one who is not here, and you certainly never stop loving him and, second, because all lives leave a legacy. The lasting effect a person has on us, the day-to-day dealings he had with us, the feelings, perceptions, thoughts, ideas that the person shared with us – those live on. Even more so when those reflections are expressed in writing.  I am grateful to have Austen’s words.  A life, a legacy that lives on and can be shared.  The lovely gem above is from his ‘Journey Through Sobriety,’ dated July 26, 2014, when he was 22 years old and almost 5 months sober.  A young man reaching for the stars, reflecting, earnest in his hopes, wise for his years:

I want to believe that the sky is the limit. . . . I want to be successful, I want to keep growing and taking off like a rocket. I want girls in my life. Cute girls, interesting girls, dark girls, light hearted girls, fun girls, thoughtful girls. . . .  I’m determined to overcome any obstacle, push through any barrier. Reach for the stars, taste greatness. Average just won’t do, pretty good is not enough. I want to find someone who understands me and who I can be myself with. I want my art to become something I can truly be proud of. I want to be an honest, understanding, funny, confident person. I want to be responsible and reliable. I just want things to start to come together in my life. I am so tired of waiting for it to finally happen. All I can do is try to be myself and be a good person. All I can do is keep working hard, stay sober, stay positive and strive for greatness. . . .  I just need to keep things straight. I just need to stay on top of things. I just need to find that groove where I just follow the natural order of things and fly through life like a slalom skier with speed and precision. . . .

I need to elevate myself.  I need to enlighten myself.  Don’t stoop down to the level of the world.  Stay above the storms and turbulence.  I have to give myself up to the universal forces that govern all of us.  I have to look for the more difficult answer, the difficult path.  After all, willingly or unwillingly, wittingly or unwittingly, this is the path I have followed in my life.  The path of suffering and hard realities.  Big questions and hard answers. There is now light at the end of the tunnel, but I continue to panic and worry that I’m not acting right or not heading in the right direction. This is an illusion.  I want to be back to being positive about my life and where it’s heading, after all, why shouldn’t I be?  I just need to slow down, reflect, center myself.  I want to feel happiness and wonder and amazement.  At least some of the time.  The truth of life lends itself to these emotions as well as their counterparts.  If I can make meaningful progress.  If I can have good relationships.  If I can have fun.  If I can stay positive that I won’t be alone forever. Life is good.

You have been blessed with so much in this unfair world.  The most important thing you have been given a second chance.  Even if your world is not right where you want it to be at this moment, you now have the chance to get there. Almost 5 months of sobriety.  Who would ever thought.  It hasn’t sunk in fully.  Most things never do.  Life is too fleeting.

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Photo of Austen taken by his friend Reid Fragel in 2009.

Relationships are what you remember.  Love is what breaks through the barriers. Peace is knowing who you are and understanding you are exactly where you need to be.

If I can love myself then I will no longer need someone to love me and eventually they will enter the picture naturally and we will be a sum greater than our individual parts.
                                                                                                                  Austen Berj Brooks, July 26, 2014

Butterflies

From ‘Spirit of the Butterfly’  Suzanne Sahakian 2016