As Austen persevered through total sobriety last year, he kept a journal of his development, his hopes, his dreams, his perceived self-growth. He had been through much in his short life, and as sobriety settled in, he was cautious, hopeful, honest and grateful for what he had, for his uniqueness, for his beautiful mind and “a bright future if I stay sober and keep growing.” He urged himself on even as he fought continuous cravings and depression.  This excerpt is taken from his entry on June 8, 2014, three months sober:

     “Controlled passion. Manage the fire. Let it spray when it’s appropriate.  I’ve been down for too long. I’ve risen to the surface now I’m going to reach for the sky.  Existence is going to be everything I thought it could be.  No regrets, learn from your mistakes.  Let the caged beast run free.  Every day, every situation is another chance to grow and shine.  Let your emotions out Austen.  Let them run wild.  Stop criticizing yourself.  Don’t dwell on what you had and lost, think about everything you’ve gained and everything you stand to gain if you stay on this positive road.  Life is a long journey.  The sun will rise and fall for years to come.  I don’t have to have it all figured out today or tomorrow or this year.  I can take my time.  I’m alive, things are happening, I’m sober, there is hope, I am strong and I know I can be an amazing person.  Just be patient and trust the universe. Just know yourself.

     White hot blade slides through my chest, cauterizing as it cuts, the design is at first unfamiliar but with patience a pattern emerges.  The sign of the beast.  The wounds heal instantly.  This one will not go down easy the Gods chuckle. A spear through the heart should put him down but there’s ice in his core and the spear shatters as fast as it was thrown.  The thunder and rain shake the ground as lightening strikes and puddles turn to rivers.  Demons chase him up and down the blood drenched streets.  So many wounded, so many dead, but he keeps running.  As he hits his stride, a full on sprint, everything shifts.  The clouds part, the rain stops, flowers bloom and trees turn every perceivable color.  Reds, yellows, oranges, purples, pinks, yellows.  The variety is jarring, but he’s smiling.  Laughter erupts accompanied by a soft, warm glow that emanates from the center of his being. His wounds are gone as if they never existed at all.  His run turns into a walk.  The skies smile upon this soldier who fought for his freedom.  The first test is complete, congratulations.  This boy is a man.  One day he will fly.”

Austen Berj Brooks, “Journey Through Sobriety,” June 8, 2014.

Photo of Austen that he posted on Facebook on September 15, 2014, taken by a friend in downtown Chicago.

In 2012, when Austen was a junior at Indiana University, I let him use an old Nikon D50 camera with a 28-200 mm lens. He took some photos in Bloomington, which I saw. After he died, I found the camera in his room in Evanston and discovered some photos I had not seen, ones he had taken in late May 2012 from our 13th floor condo balcony and others he had taken on a walk to the lake. Many of the scenes are ones I have photographed myself. I paired some of Austen’s shots from the balcony with excerpts from his “Journey Through Sobriety,” written on June 6, 2014, in which he describes the view from the balcony and his state of mind:

“How beautiful the world is… Moon in the sky, sun setting over the clouds, open water to my left, big metropolis in the distance. Here I am.  The green expanse of the trees spreads off into the distance as far as the eye can see, a lone church chapel sticks up in the distance.  Planes speed off to destinations far away, a train meanders through the urban expanse into the heart of the city and right back out of it.  Here I am.  Thirteenth floor balcony.

                                                                           * * * * * *
To find out that you are a wonderfully complex and ancient being expressing itself through the configuration of a human being. That’s what’s waiting for me.  It can be a lonely journey.  Most people shun the truth, they run from it.  They die on the way to the other side.  I am brave enough to make it.  Stay calm, stay focused, stay in the moment, breathe.  You don’t know what other people are thinking, their judgments are inconsequential.  I am what I am.  It’s not up to them.  It’s up to me and the universe.  * * *  I just want to go full bore into it.  Keep writing until my words become magic and take off.”  Austen Berj Brooks, June 6, 2014 (emphasis added).

The photos below were taken by Austen in May 2012 from our 13th floor balcony.  The first 3 photos provide a panoramic view of Lake Michigan and downtown Chicago. The last photo is a ‘selfie’ by Austen standing on the balcony looking into the window:

Photos taken by Austen Berj Brooks on May 27, 2012, from the thirteenth floor condo balcony.  © 2015 Suzanne Sahakian. 

As I read through Austen’s writings, I find nuggets of insight, hope and inspiration, a young man with a luminous mind and cosmic vision, teachings for everyday life.  From Austen’s Journey Through Sobriety last summer:

“This is the prime of my life.  I want to enjoy it.  I finally have momentum in a positive direction. I’ve been speaking about needing this for so long.  If I could just get a little momentum, if I could just get a few basic necessities set into place…. So, here I am, about four and a half months sober, with a lot of positivity flowing through my life.  I am not perfect, far from it, I make mistakes everyday, I get moody, I say the wrong thing, but each day I learn and get a little older and a little bit wiser.  I just want to be able to be in the moment, I’m always so preoccupied with getting to a point where I can start to live.  Like if I just had this or that then I would be able to start living. This kind of thinking causes me to miss out on the present that is right in front of me. I have to lift myself up and be the person I am capable of being. I can’t let the darkness and negativity in.  I have to carry myself like the man that I know I am. … I have to stay centered and grounded in my self. You have to dream big. You can never give up on trying to be a legend. Not just a good person or a great person, but a truly special, unique, amazing individual. If you don’t try to reach for the stars, you won’t be able to land on one of the planets.”  (Emphasis added.)

Austen Berj Brooks, July 13, 2014

This photo titled, “Reflecting,” was taken by Austen and posted on Instagram on June 15, 2014.

“Reflecting”

After Austen died, I discovered on his computer a collection of assorted writings from the last few years.  His deep intelligence, mindfulness, and spirituality come through the words and sentences in those writings with beautiful clarity and vision. He was expressing his thoughts and feelings at a moment in time, urging himself on.  I’d like to think he would not mind me sharing some of his words with you.  The excerpt below is taken from a journal he kept during his last nine months, which he titled, “Journey Through Sobriety”:

“It’s so crazy how you walk through life bored and unimpressed, and then all of a sudden one day you see things for what they are and you can’t believe how beautiful everything is.  You appreciate the sun and the clouds, the trees and the air they allow us to breathe. You realize that everything is actually connected in a real sense.  I’d like to think you can never go back after coming to this conclusion, but that’s not true.  That’s why you have to be in tune with who you are and the reality of existence.  The universe has billions of galaxies.  Here I am in just one of them, in just one solar system, on just one planet, revolving around just one star.  Why waste time?”

Austen Berj Brooks, July 1, 2014

“Nice Day,” photo taken by Austen from the Lincoln Park Boardwalk in Chicago and posted on Instagram, Sunday, September 28, 2014.